When will it stop?

Why are the emotions eating me from the inside out, as if I'm not already filled with more than enough doubt? Its crazy to think this at this age, but I guess its nothing but a number, I swear I wish I could put it so sleep, let it slumber. It keeps digging itself deeper into my psyche, this is going to drive me insane, is there anybody that can help me, before it implodes my heart, my soul and brain? The pressure is more than I can handle, I admit it, but the pain still courses through my veins. I'm constantly feeling the erruption of madness within, that looks as if ill never win. To be honest I'm glad these walls cant talk, because then you'd be forced to see, just how dark and twisted I've really come to be. Though you were never there, you still affected me, you’ve made your mark. Looks like your plan came to fruition, looks like your seed grew into completion.

Finally things are looking great!

Sooo it looks like my weeks of shaving clean,(wow how much I missed my beard) and dressing up and going through nerve breaking interviews are over! After 1...2...3...4...5...yeah, FIVE different interviews, I finally got the position I wanted! Muahahahahaahahahaha (doctor-evil-over-exaggerated-out-of-breath-laugh) Beat out two other people for it. Yeah, I feel kind of bad they dint get it...but fuck it, I deserve it as much as them. This job comes with benefits, sick days, insurance too! waaaaat. Ok, just had to let the world know. I'm happy once again. And thanks to everybody that kept telling me to hold my head up and not to worry, made the wait till I got to hear the news a lot easier, I still cant believe I got it though.

Not Fair...at all

My schedule has been horrible the past three weeks. I have time to go to school, work, hang out with friends. But I don't have time to enjoy my favorite activity in the whole world! (Alright 2nd favorite) I haven't worked out in like 3 weeks. Then when I work up some time to be able to crush the weights, my wrist craps out on me. Horrible, bone crunching pain in my left wrist. I couldn't even wipe after taking a dump at the peak of this pain. Yeah, I'm not creative enough to make that up, it actually hurt that much. Usually when I get injured, I do cardio or weights alone, then what happens, my right knee gives out, and it feels like a sprained tendon. I've had this pain on my left knee in the exact same spot, and only Ibuprofen was my savior. No ammount of icy hot or rubbing would help. So now on top of not having the time to head over there, I can't do shit even if I wanted to. This to me is like taking a writers pen and paper away from him/her after he/she clears up the worst case of writers block. Taking the skateboard away from an avid skateboarder. You get the idea. I hope I heal up quick, this just messed up my chances for this photoshoot that was planned at the end of fashion week, but ill get back on top of it once I heal up.....hopefully!

Faces!

The face reportedly takes more muscles to smile, than it does to frown. And for me, my face muscles always seem to be flexing! Everything shows on my face, if I'm sad, happy, angry, tired, hurt, it's on my face. I wish I could turn it off sometimes. My girlfriend hates it sometimes because I often look more upset than what I really am. And it can get misinterpreted as being upset, when I'm actually just extremely tired (don't ask me how but if I'm tired that's the way I look). People at work get my "I'm-only-smiling-because-i'm-getting-paid-face" and often times my hangover face, and man the tourists can't tell the difference at all lol. Buuuuuuut I also have the smiles when I am happy or having a good day (or had coffee lol) just like anybody else! Only a few people get to see the truly angry face, I'm usually calm and collected. At my job I get a lot of questionable people which I CANT turn away from and refuse to help (aside from being too nice) it's my job, which get to see the stank face. And a couple of people have seen the sad face, which to this day I kind of wish I could take it back but what's done is done! I don't regret it, just wish the outcome would of been different, but that's another story!

The Gym

Man I LOVE going to the gym, can't shake the feeling like a junkie on withdrawal...If anybody seen the Arnold documentary when he talks about the "pump" like an orgasm everytime he works out, well it's no where near like what I get from my girl but waaaaay below it, alright I don't know wtf Arnold was smoking when he made that comparison but you get the pump when the muscle you just worked out feels real tight. To some, like me, this is a cool feeling.

I love walking into any gym, doesn't matter if its Omni fitness, Ballys Fitness, my current college gym, and noticing a few things. With an over sized shirt, I blend in with the wall paint, I'm basically invisible, I like these days sometimes. Their the days when I'm at the gym just to workout and not socialize (ha that's like going to the bar and not drinking...) A lot of the times it's also because don't notice it as well, because I know when I go to the gym, it's to WORKOUT, I'm already in a relationship, im not going to the gym to look for a girl, so I dont give a shit what I look like! A lot of the times I look like a caveman, unshaven with a serious look on my face.

THEN, flip the tape over to side B, you got the days when I go in with a form fitting shirt/wife beater and people look at me like I'm a dangerous escaped convict that's ate the iron instead of lifted them for the time he was in there, like "LOCK THAT MF'er BACK IN THERE!" (Guess which one I like more lol) Everybody in there stares, whether it's because they envy my genetics, or theyre amazed at how the human body can shape itself over time with proper training, i'll never know (until they tell me which has happened in the Gym, and can be quite awkward if not done properly lol) It's funny how at the beginning when I started lifting just for me and was still fat, everybody just passed me on and saw me at only that stage in my life. Let me explain, because I mean when I see people on the treadmill I don't say "run tubby cuz you need this more than me". Quite the opposite, because all people need is encouragement, and they're ready to jump start the fitness commitment they've been looking for and dint know they had in them. My girlfriend told me one day "Think about how many random people you've inspired to start working out" This got me thinking, because even if its just one person, well that in itself would be pretty cool to me.

Safe Haven
I was talking to my barber today and damn this dude is MAD stressed, I was just hoping the shit dint come out on my hairline or else there would of been two pissed people in the barbershop today. I told him that (you) need a place in your life where you can get away from every day stress, even if its only for fifteen minutes. Whether its at a basketball court, church, hell if going shopping calms you down do it! Have a spot that calms you down and relaxes you, it doesn't matter where. For me, that's the gym, don't call me, don't text me, and definitely don't rush me! Having a place like this makes it easier to face the challenges that life throws at me and better able to handle certain situations. I can stay in there for hours upon hours lol, I get labeled a "Gym Rat" but it's MY VICE! Smoke, drink, have sex, get as many piercings & tattoos as you'd like, I wont judge, everybody has a vice. As long as you have your "thing" so to speak, just find a way that it benefits you more than it does harm, because trust me, there's always some way you can always drop that dumbbell on your toe, or crush your fingers (fortunately for me I've done both) and put you out of commission for a while, or permanently because there are some things you cant recover from. But the ones that allow you to do, when it's time, visualize coming back, Bigger, Better and Stronger. Like that saying, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I know I don't have to spell it out but since Im going on the Gym theme here, just use my metaphor for a lot of things in life, I know my readers are smart.

I'm Freeeeeee!!!

Finally I'm freeeee! Fucking corporate America, no longer will I be your slave. To think, all it took was one swipe and you had me by the balls(pausepolice) You Gift wrapped and put a pretty little bow in a box of lies and deceit with my name on it. I shouldn't be surprised though, deception is your best skill. Until next time...actually fuck that ill be using my debit card from now on.

Suuuuuunnnnny Daaaaaayyyyysss!!

What is it about sunny days that makes the day so much more enjoyable? It's another day just like yesterday was, and the same as tomorrow will be. Maybe it's the effects of the Sun just shining down on you giving you this sort of euphoric feeling that makes even the worst situations brighten up just a little bit to make us feel better. What ever the reason is bring it! I can't wait for this summer, I'm really hoping for great weather all along...not-shirt-drenching-in-sweat-as-soon-as-you-leave your-apartment hot, but nice and comfortable, I had enough of those last summer. I don't care what I'm doing, whether I'm slaving long hours at work or taking summer courses in school, I know one thing's for sure and that's that I'm going to enjoy this summer no matter what. There's sooo many changes that I'm not even sure of the outcomes that are going to happen. But I believe even if you don't know what's going to happen in the future, always have plan B...and C...and D! Don't stop because you never really have a firm grasp on the situation until you have it in your hands...and even that's not enough some times.

Spring break?!?!!111one

Chea! it's finally here...well technically I'm late and it's been here since tuesday for me but shhhhh....What to do what to do! Not much probably going to happen though I'm hoping for a lot of QT with my one and only for this upcoming week. Haven't been able to spend too much time with her lately, hopefully this will make up for it. Got to take care of a few things for school and REGISTER for next semester!!! Daamn it's getting late in the game for this type of behavior. Ugh, gotta get things right!

Cleaned my room tonight

They say you can measure how organized a person's life is by how clean their room is. Well, what does it say when I clean my room every night, and mess it up in the morning, only to clean it up at night all over again? Is that how my life is going right now? I think I have everything figured out, then I look back once more in closet and see another shirt I could wear and throw it on the bed a long with the others. I look back at the clock and then panic because it's crunch time now and I'm going to have to decide what to do at that instant. Am I afraid of the future because I'm thinking too much about it? Should I be living right here and right now? Damn I ask a lot of questions lol, does anybody have some answers for me!?

Posts...or lack of

Haven't been posting much lately, usually means I'm REALLY busy dealing with school and work stuff! I cant be too lazy to write something up on here, hell this is where I come when I AM procrastinating lol. I've recently begun to think about new possibilities for my future. New majors, new jobs, that will affect me a lot in the future. I've come to realize that I have to step up to the plate and make my decision now before it is too late. And literally there are a bunch of dead lines coming up for what Im trying to do, and if I don't get the material in now, the wait is up to a whole year again! And that definitely wont do for me. Im sick and tired of waiting for stuff to happen, while I sit around and watch the people around me move forward, as if I'm stuck in slow motion. If I learned anything from reading the Art of War, the hesitating general does not win the wars. I've got to get my battle formation right though, because this next move has to be executed perfectly, or at least with some genuine thought put into it.

March 18th!

Its early, heh I guess by my definition (11:30Pm) Im on my way home I guess I got about another hour or so before I get to my apt, and the night more than made up for my day. It started with the waking up in a scare and looking at the clock 7:06AM... How the hell did I not get up?? Realizing I just definitely over slept by an hour I jump out of my bed, grab my underwear and run to the bathroom, still went to the shower and brushed my teeth quickly, thorough none the less, but quick (smh at you guys that would of just got dressed and left!) it was was like a blur! I check the clock, 7:27AM Damn im slow as hell, got dressed and I had to skip breakfast which really sucks because I try to eat 5 times a day! strike one run to the bus, catch the train, get to school, check the clock ugh already 8:50am.... my class starts at 8:30AM oh and did I mention I have my two midterms today? eh...strike two I finish the test with confidence that I did well at least! but wait...theres one more midterm in the horizon waiting to catch me off guard, the 2nd midterm was HORRIBLE! strike three...aaaaaaand im out? Fuck no, my blog, my rules I get one more chance! fast forward to my lunch break at work to something I've been planning for two weeks now because as bad as the day went its still a special day! Its my two year Anniversary with my girlfriend, Lucy! It sucks that we both had to work today and go to school but that doesn't mean I can't salvage what's left of the day. So fast forward to when I get out of work at night, and it takes an hour, the train ride from my job to her job, I give her a call Me: hey just made it to the bus, you busy? Her: Actually now, its pretty dead, but damn this is the only time we get to talk on the phone for the whole day (already 10:xxPM) Me: yeah I know, but what are you eating, it looks good (already standing 3 feet from her with her back towards me inside her store, the phone faces away from the door so she dint even notice me walk in!) I step in her view, her smile streched all the way around her face, expression speechless and surprised I put the flowers and card down on the counter. The whole days worries, bad midterm, and work stress just went out the window, her smile is beautifully strong enough to cause a start to collapse within itself, and that's what she does to my heart everytime I see her...HAPPY TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY! It was a long trip down the yellow brick road, been to the depths of the abyss, flown above the heavens, experienced the endless desolate calm of space all for her...2:xxAM now... too tired to look at the exact time and focus, so sleepy now...going to sle..zzzz.zZZZzzz

The Joys of Running!

Being physically active isn't something I do, like go to the mall. It's part of my lifestyle. Tony Hawk skateboards, Ne-yo writes and sings, and Joel works out! Plain and simple. I don't play many sports because I don't have the time. I can run whenever I want to though, in the morning at 6AM before I go to class, or at 10PM when I get home from work, no team mates required! It's such a great stress reliever as well, nothing like it. Better than any drug or alcohol out there! I will say this though, it definitely isn't for everybody. Some people prefer to ride the bicycle, or like I mentioned before, play a sport for cardio. But if you are one of those people (like me) that don't have time for sports, but would like to get into running, there are a few things you can do to make it fun for yourself. Or at least tolerable if you're doing it to try and to lose a little weight.

• Running with a Partner

Running with somebody will motivate you more rather than if you are running by yourself. You will either get that competitive energy or just get caught up in the conversation and that will be fuel enough for both of you to keep it going. A way to gauge if you are running at a pace adequate to your current physical level is to try and hold a regular conversation while you run with your partner without huffing and puffing for air. If you can't run and talk at the same time, you should slow down your pace until you can.

• Good music

While some people can listen to slow jams and it keeps them going, most of us require some fast paced music. Any type of fast rock, rap, or techno get's the job done for me. I recently downloaded this 68 minute techno podcast from http://www.motiontraxx.com/ for free, it's really fast paced, the DJ says at about 168 Beats per minute lol, if that doesn't keep your legs moving, nothing will!

• Environment

This is the most important one for me. It's probably because I've been working out for a long time now, going on 4+ years. I've felt like a hamster on a treadmill for the first 2 years working out, then once I got to college I expanded my horizons. You can run on the indoor track or the outside. I also like to run outside! Running outside for me sure beats the treadmill, though it's not as precise, as you know with the treadmill you get the full readings like the total miles ran, calories expended, and your current heart rate. The constant change of scenery is what does it for me though while jogging outside. I know people that HATE running on a treadmill or on a track in circles, but take them out on the streets and they will run for days. Running on the treadmill might seem like it's taking forever because your staying in the same spot and just running while constantly staring down at the time lol, I HATE THAT SHIT! Running in a track makes people seem like their participating in a on foot version of Nascar, going round and round and...you get the idea.

So if you think you hate running, and you haven't tried any of these, what do you have to lose? Go for it!

Whenver that happens...

Dear Life,

Hi, how’s it going? It’s me, Joel, and well, you know where I’ve been for the past 3 years after High School, and I love it up here! It’s so great not having a care in the world… Sky isn't the limit, just my imagination over here, but I have a feeling I won't like it up here forever, which is exactly why I want to come back. Would you please be kind enough to wait for me? I’d very much like to join the real world again, but I love it so much up here. The only nightmares I have are the dreams of waking up from this nightmare…if that’s not cryptic enough for you, how about not knowing where you want to be in the next few years. So many questions, but who the hell’s going to answer them for me? Every time I pick up one leaf, it seems like a thousand fall to take it's place, the questions just keep popping up! I think I’ll take my time though, I’ll see you when I get there alright? While some people are born great, others achieve it, and a couple have it thrust upon them, with my luck I’ll stumble over it and just keep walking, while looking around me to see if anybody noticed lol. I hope I’m aware enough at the moment and grab it when the chance comes at me. How will I know? How does anybody know? Let’s see when the moment comes and hopefully I’ll be able to ♪♫climb♪♫!

Sincerely hoping all goes well with you,
Your buddy
Joel Dume

Where's my light? I'm no where near the end of the tunnel...

Lately I've been feeling like I've run out of gas, so to speak. No real direction of where, how or even what to do next. There are a few options and desires I'd like to accomplish which seem attainable but at the same time so out of reach right now…Of course it has a lot to do with the way I’m thinking because I’ve just been served a dose of reality. I won’t go through how I’ve felt with that because I’ve aired it out in the “Last stop” post lol. Maybe I need to re-evaluate where I am in my life and what I really want to do, especially career wise, because maaaaan does time fly! 3rd year in college but I’m still technically a freshmen!(more on that in another post…) I definitely know first hand about time and how harsh it can be if your heads in the clouds! Friends, and family play a bigger role than I’d like to admit. Somebody very special to me has pointed it out that friends and family are always important and they are really great to have. I’ve always known this some where deep inside myself but with the kind of childhood that I had always moving around, it was hard to really create a solid friendship so I kind of distanced myself…sort of waiting for the next move to come and it just became easier. Now that I’m settled (more or less), it’s a little tough to adjust I must say, as easy as it probably sounds to some of you who’ve been in the same neighborhood for all your life, hanging out with the same people since 1st grade, I do envy you guys. Keep a tight grip on your real friends, and keep an open arm for possible new friendships. They say people you meet in college will be with you forever, I often wonder if that’s true.

Last Stop...

The bell goes off!... and you step inside the metal ring full of emotions, and glance around you in awe. Realizing you are now face to face with all these fighters, who are either in they’re prime or worn out and ready to retire. The looks of pain coupled with joy. Anger siding with the stoic expression of a Buddhist monk. Looking around you, how many people around you are heart broken, blissfully in love, on their way to see their loved ones, or to their new companion. Where are the ones riding to the side relationship that will fill them with the remorse of a murderer until confessed? As they put their heads down in shame and attempt to justify the trip, only thoughts of passion and excitement come to mind to cloud their superior judgment. I’m trapped and hopelessly being consumed by all these energies surrounding me, fueling my own anguish. Glancing through the window, down at the swiftly moving tracks, the realization sends a reverberating chill through my spine, that the train keeps on moving. I find myself dazed out, blindly staring directly at the floor watching the lights pass by in the corner pockets of my eyes in a big blur…as if time slowed down I could feel my mind floating and leaving my body standing there...escaping it's iron jaws. Looking down at the lights they seemed for a second almost like the tail of a comet as if I was in a space ship, racing to my destination at another planet, where the atmosphere may slightly numb the pain. Returning back to reality, I learned it does not care about your feelings, nor does it feel guilty for leaving you behind to fend for yourself. In all actuality, the metal behemoth doesn’t even know you exist.

The Inspiration...

People don't generally believe they can make a difference. Whether it's in other people's lives, the environment, or a whole country. Maybe those goals are bit harder to achieve, but anything is possible. About 2 weeks ago coming back from the other side of NYC back to my Apt, while I was on the F train going Up(♪on a downtown line♪...sorry Gym Class Heroes moment..) As usual at that time maybe around 4 or 5 in the morning, I'm constantly slipping in and out consciousness, when I see a familiar face sit across from me in almost a mirror state of consciousness himself. His name is E****, and he used to work at Burlington Coat Factory back when I was there, he was the custodian, nice dude. So I tap him on the shoulder, the guy looked like he just woken up from a coma, completely unaware as to who I was even though I told him my name. I tell him where we used to work together, then he remembers. He told him what he's been doing with life, as so did I. Turns out he's been working at McDonalds since Burlington, and getting crappy(er) pay, working slave hours, etc. I told him forget McDonalds, your still young, go for a better job. But when I asked him what his highest level of education was he replied with "I dropped out of High School, it was too tough" I told him right away you got to get back in there, get your GED at the very least which is good enough to get into a whole bunch of certification programs (Which definitely make A LOT more money than Mcdonalds ANY day). We began talking about books and I told him where I work, his face lit up like the 4th of July...I told him since he's working so close, drop by and pick up a book on getting a GED, he won't regret it. Granted after persuading him pretty much for the rest of the ride and speaking about the future benefits, he agreed on thinking about it. I said to myself, Ok I'll take that. Low and behold, today, this man proceeds to step to the front desk where I'm seated and sticks his hand out...at this point at work I'm in a daze and ready to go home! Then I realize that it's E*****!, he came up to me and told me, "Hey man I was thinking about what you said, and I want to do it, can you help me?" At this point...I'm shocked that he remembered and actually decided to pursue it. So of course I sent him on his way, once he got what he needed, he came back with a big grin on his face and the GED test book. This goes to show that no matter the time, day, or situation there's always time to try and help somebody. By motivating them to do something more...achieve something better and climb that ladder, because for most of us, we always have to start at the bottom.