Future me?

So today while I was in the shower I reflected upon my day. While at the gym (of course) I was speaking with an old schooler, you'll get what I mean by this later. He's sort of the care taker of the gym almost throughout the entire day. He's been running marathons since he was 14 years old back in the day, and he's about to turn 74. While he was training me as I was hitting the punching bag, we held a brief conversation about the new school vs the old school. While I understand where he's coming from, things change, yet a lot of the basic fundamentals remain the same, which of course is understandable. The greatest thing about this was that I saw myself in this guy. Even though he's about to turn 74 soon and he's been running/boxing/training his whole life, the fire that keeps him going is still there. Day in and day out, this guy never quits training. It was quite stunning hearing him talk about the past as if it was still present today for him. I wonder if I'll be like him one day in the future, still excited about working out, and having fun while doing it. I could not believe how awe struck I was by his mindset and his whole attitude towards how he was living his life. I also could not believe he was turning 74, this guy doesn't look a day older than 55, at most and that's pretty amazing to me. Hopefully I'll maintain HALF the dedication this guy has, because to go that far from that age, you've got to be in it to win it, as they say. I'm going to try to keep up, do you think you have it in you? I hope I do.

You title it.

I've made wrong decisions before, but never realized it until it was too late. I don't think I can wait, but it did always seem as if the answer to this question would be told by fate. The silence is the worst part of it all, because that's when you think. That's when the thinkings that you kind of sort of wanted to forget, resurface and then follows regret holding hands with sorrow, laughing at your blunder that you won't ever be able to take back. Unless of course, it really was meant to be, then you get a second chance that not many receive. But maybe by then you wont want to believe that it was you and not her that fucked up. You need to slow down the tempo, and stay focused the room may start spinning but don't throw up. Then again, no one ever knows the answers to the future, whether it's a good mistake or a bad one, people say as you get older, you learn from your mistakes, well I've learned to make them in different ways, variations, and equations. I just change the variable and solve it using the wrong methods. Fuck, I don't know where this is going, I'm just writing as I go along. Add to the fact I've already lost many hours of sleep, contemplating about this, just wish I could close my eyes and have the answer come to me. If I had the Green lanterns ring, then I could just Will it to be. Even then I wouldn't know exactly what it would be, Yes or No? Maybe but even so, no concrete %100 percent, on the dollar answer. I'd probably backfire on myself, and create a blackhole that would swallow me up whole, that would be one way to solve this problem, who knows I guess I just got to wait and see, if it really was meant to be.

The Little Things

Step on the floor, it makes the loudest whisper as it cracks under my feet. Walk outside, the bitterness in the air fills my lungs with the smug reality of the world. A man drives by with his windows rolled up and a cigarette in hand, his passenger is death and they're holding hands. An old couple sits across from me in the bus, having lived through the bests of times and it shows in their faces but for some reason it looks like they're just getting started on life...She smiles at me and makes my heart race, can't believe she's so beautiful, hope the moment lasts forever and doesn't pass me by like the second that just did and is now history. I want to grab it and beat the seconds down in my palm for going so fast! I'll hope to hit them as hard as possible to attempt and knock time back, even if only for a moment, it would be worth the fight. Now please, just stand still for me so I can snap this picture which will be worth, as they say, "more than a thousand words" with infinite adjectives to describe it, but then in return Ill say its priceless, because I'll be sure to create new ones if I ever run out of ways to express the beauties of the subtleties in my life. And that's just something no one can take away, and in retrospect thats what makes the little things in life, remarkably more memorable than anything else I can ever fathom.

Like I said, I'm not sure if I like it too much. Please, share your comments, and criticism because I'd really like to know.

Been a while huh

Daaaamn, it's been a minute since I put anything up! Haven't forgot about the blog though. Always thinking about changing the type of content I put up but it's a very selective process. I'm about to put up a piece that I dont feel is finished but for the sake of keeping the blog going I'll post it up in a little bit. The feel of the work seems to me like it's a bit all over the place. I think it ended up going that way because I started writing it a long time ago, like sometime around the summer last year, and just recently added more to it in an attempt to complete it. But alas, it still doesnt feel that way to me.

Metaphysically Linked.

Never can be such a horrible phrase to say, it can be the cause of much undesired pain and dismay. It would seem there can be a you without me, but without you I wouldn't care to exist or be seen. Promise me you'll never leave, and yes I mean, won't you stay with me, forever please? I can try to imagine a world without you, but my heart would jump through my conscience and tell me the truth, and that is that calculation does not compute, don't try and solve that riddle, or you'll loose some IQ. You see, we are one half of each other, and together we are complete and way more than lovers. Transcending the astral plane is simple for you and I, holding hands through the metaphysical as we fly, going through all the trials and tribulations that have been lain in our path, it only proves how much more we should stay together, but don't forget the past too fast, because though we mourn for our mistakes, we seem to grow in their wakes. No one out there can match our spirits, let them try, they won't make it past the gates, they'll just end up falling back bellow towards the place that they most hate, and proceed to live out their fates.

Thanks for always being there babe, I love you so much!

When will it stop?

Why are the emotions eating me from the inside out, as if I'm not already filled with more than enough doubt? Its crazy to think this at this age, but I guess its nothing but a number, I swear I wish I could put it so sleep, let it slumber. It keeps digging itself deeper into my psyche, this is going to drive me insane, is there anybody that can help me, before it implodes my heart, my soul and brain? The pressure is more than I can handle, I admit it, but the pain still courses through my veins. I'm constantly feeling the erruption of madness within, that looks as if ill never win. To be honest I'm glad these walls cant talk, because then you'd be forced to see, just how dark and twisted I've really come to be. Though you were never there, you still affected me, you’ve made your mark. Looks like your plan came to fruition, looks like your seed grew into completion.

Finally things are looking great!

Sooo it looks like my weeks of shaving clean,(wow how much I missed my beard) and dressing up and going through nerve breaking interviews are over! After 1...2...3...4...5...yeah, FIVE different interviews, I finally got the position I wanted! Muahahahahaahahahaha (doctor-evil-over-exaggerated-out-of-breath-laugh) Beat out two other people for it. Yeah, I feel kind of bad they dint get it...but fuck it, I deserve it as much as them. This job comes with benefits, sick days, insurance too! waaaaat. Ok, just had to let the world know. I'm happy once again. And thanks to everybody that kept telling me to hold my head up and not to worry, made the wait till I got to hear the news a lot easier, I still cant believe I got it though.

Faces!

The face reportedly takes more muscles to smile, than it does to frown. And for me, my face muscles always seem to be flexing! Everything shows on my face, if I'm sad, happy, angry, tired, hurt, it's on my face. I wish I could turn it off sometimes. My girlfriend hates it sometimes because I often look more upset than what I really am. And it can get misinterpreted as being upset, when I'm actually just extremely tired (don't ask me how but if I'm tired that's the way I look). People at work get my "I'm-only-smiling-because-i'm-getting-paid-face" and often times my hangover face, and man the tourists can't tell the difference at all lol. Buuuuuuut I also have the smiles when I am happy or having a good day (or had coffee lol) just like anybody else! Only a few people get to see the truly angry face, I'm usually calm and collected. At my job I get a lot of questionable people which I CANT turn away from and refuse to help (aside from being too nice) it's my job, which get to see the stank face. And a couple of people have seen the sad face, which to this day I kind of wish I could take it back but what's done is done! I don't regret it, just wish the outcome would of been different, but that's another story!

I'm Freeeeeee!!!

Finally I'm freeeee! Fucking corporate America, no longer will I be your slave. To think, all it took was one swipe and you had me by the balls(pausepolice) You Gift wrapped and put a pretty little bow in a box of lies and deceit with my name on it. I shouldn't be surprised though, deception is your best skill. Until next time...actually fuck that ill be using my debit card from now on.

C.R.E.A.M.

Ahhh one of my favorite acronyms next to HNIC and NWA. But this post isn't about hip hop acronyms lol, C.ash R.ules E.verything A.round M.e seems to apply to a lot of people. I feel that it's so true in many cases, like if I had money I would take care of these things in a heart beat, and when I say have money, I mean like I hit the lotto or something and get A LOT of green

First thing's first!

• Pay off all my mom's bills, then make sure she's set for life in DR, get her that nice beach house!
  
• Pay off all my bills (and my girls bills) cuz these college loans and credit cards got me stressed the fuck out lol(fuck you St John's!!)
  
• Then come all the material shit you already know...clothes, cars, and I'm not much of a jewelery man but I'm definitely getting a nice watch, you can keep all that bling, I'll stick with something simple that I like, kind of like this
  

Even after all the money situation is fixed, there's still goals that I want to accomplish that money can't buy.

Be able to run a marathon, 10k is my goal, i'll start with the little stuff for now. I'm fit right now but I'm pretty sure my stamina has dropped since I haven't been doing as much cardio as I'd like, I'm just sticking to weights a lot of the times now.
Then there's extreme shit!(kind of lol)

Sky diving! Ever since I saw Point Break I wanted to this so bad lol

Rock Climbing without ropes, well I'll work my way up to this one from regular rock climbing with ropes and stuff lol, but to climb without ropes has to be another kind of feeling, knowing that your life is literally in your hands, it's got to be a rush!

I want to go swimming with sharks. I know what you're thinking...but this is the most personal goal I would attempt to complete. I've been both frightened and amazed by sharks since I was a little boy. They are undoubtedly, my favorite animal.

Then, in a similar kind of scenario, I just want to scuba dive. I love watching documentary about the bottom of the sea and the rare creatures that have never seen the light of day, granted I wouldn't even be able to go anywhere near there but I'll take what I can get and go as far down as possible.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg, my list is limitless as to what I want to accomplish. Let's see what the future unfolds.

New Style in the horizon, Maybe?

Do you ever wonder what you will look like in the next 5 years? If I am me, and last time I checked I was, I will try to keep my body looking more or less the same. The only thing that I've been thinking about is what am I going to be wearing! As of late, as the days go by Im growing kind of tired of wearing the same stuff, and just want to switch up my style. Im tired of hearing this word from the older people (30+) at work, or in rap songs. And you can't step into one subway cart without seeing somebody wearing a pair of skinny jeans. Hi, my name is Joel and im a hipster...Ive been addicted to slim fitted jeans since about sophmore year in college and im ready for change!

I like the style don't get me wrong, its just were at the point in time where everybody is trying to be different at the same time and ends up looking just like the person next to them. Its a perpetual cycle that undoubtedly continues to feed on itself. Whatever I decide to do I just want to be comfortable with what I'm wearing. At the same time I want to look and feel good regardless of others. I tend apply the same principles to working out, because you better believe I don't do it for anybody but me, I could give two shits about what you think about my body, hate it or love it (dont get offended but its the truth).

Its the only thing I can do that I don't need anybody else involved with unless I allow them to. I wouldn't be where I am with that today if I took peoples opinions to heart about the way I look. One thing Ive asked myself though is how do you define what "looking good" is? Yes, it will vary from person to person, but the answer is quite simple, just wear what makes you, you. Reguardless of what other people think, if you like wearing a super tight shirt that has your love handles squeezing out, wear em! Some tight booty shorts that make your ass look great, accentuate those curves, if you got to wear that shirt to hide your gut, do it! We let a lot of media, and artists influence us, which isn't bad but at the same time it gives us unrealistic goals. Were people leading regular lives working, going to school, with everyday problems lol. God knows as much as i'd love to be in the gym 5 days a week, it's just not possible anymore. Hopefully I will see what the future holds for me with clothes! I am getting older, and I know for damn sure I wont be wearing these tight ass jeans into my 30's lol.

Where's my light? I'm no where near the end of the tunnel...

Lately I've been feeling like I've run out of gas, so to speak. No real direction of where, how or even what to do next. There are a few options and desires I'd like to accomplish which seem attainable but at the same time so out of reach right now…Of course it has a lot to do with the way I’m thinking because I’ve just been served a dose of reality. I won’t go through how I’ve felt with that because I’ve aired it out in the “Last stop” post lol. Maybe I need to re-evaluate where I am in my life and what I really want to do, especially career wise, because maaaaan does time fly! 3rd year in college but I’m still technically a freshmen!(more on that in another post…) I definitely know first hand about time and how harsh it can be if your heads in the clouds! Friends, and family play a bigger role than I’d like to admit. Somebody very special to me has pointed it out that friends and family are always important and they are really great to have. I’ve always known this some where deep inside myself but with the kind of childhood that I had always moving around, it was hard to really create a solid friendship so I kind of distanced myself…sort of waiting for the next move to come and it just became easier. Now that I’m settled (more or less), it’s a little tough to adjust I must say, as easy as it probably sounds to some of you who’ve been in the same neighborhood for all your life, hanging out with the same people since 1st grade, I do envy you guys. Keep a tight grip on your real friends, and keep an open arm for possible new friendships. They say people you meet in college will be with you forever, I often wonder if that’s true.

Human After all...

I am dumbfounded by how incredibly attracted to her beauty I’ve become. She is so mesmerizing, that her reflection alone on murky water is enough to squeeze the breath from my lungs with such a gentle force, it mirrors a loving mother’s touch on her baby’s skin. She shines so brightly, it’s almost impossible to capture her true magnificence in its entirety, with my incompetent, flawed, human vision. She is truly out of this world! and I can only hope to share the same space with her in my dreams. Her presence is a blessing, but she breaks my heart into so many pieces the puzzle it could create would cover the world. At the beginning of every day I am amazed at how I still have enough love for her at night. She’s here for a few hours, and then gone again. There’s somewhat of a void, like a black hole that takes everything away from me with no remorse, and I swell up inside with a feeling of helplessness, but I fret not, for she is faithful if not by habit and always returns to me, like a boomerang she strikes me right where the feeling is so great that I wish the night would last forever…Yet once again, I am nothing but a feeble mammal against her massive force. For when she departs for the day, I am unable to prevent her from deserting me, for I am only a man, and my physical prowess is limited to the confines of my body own flesh and blood.

The Journey...

It’s a very safe and sound environment, I am out of harms way in here. But something just does not feel right, the air is very thick, it becomes difficult to breathe and Suddenly the safe environment begins to look like a holding cell, I cant seem to getaway from these four walls which if could speak would say leave! God knows they would try to themselves if they weren’t rooted in place, but I digress, my senses are warning me and I feel attracted but repulsed at the same time by the thought current struggle outside… aaahh but the outer surface is unpredictable, very random and incredibly volatile, almost as if jumping into shark infested water with a meat necklace dangling from your collar, any wrong move could mean a much needed, but eternal escape from this cruel world. Yet still its as if on auto pilot, my appendages begin to act on their own, latching on the gear for the journey ahead, only the necessary equipment as if tomorrow does not matter, only the right here and the now. Ready I am for the fight up ahead, clashing against the elements head first. NO thunder strong enough to find my weakness. No rain heavy enough to slow down my momentum. NO snow sleek enough to make my actions unsteady. As I fight through the limitless army sent forth from Gaia’s empire I am yet to see failure as an option. FINALLY VICTORY is mine for the taking… the battle has been won, but the war still rages on. Gauging the distance I’ve put between myself and my home, it’s time to trek back throughout the battlefield and get some much needed rest to revitalize my energy, heaven knows this wont be the last time I have to brave the elements. I take off my running shoes, finish up my after running stretches in order to avoid later pain and finish strong with a bottle of water and a nice warm shower!

La introduction

1^st time blogger here! I guess this qualifies as an intro, to me? I’m a simple person (read easy to hang with, not retarded), I’ve got so much patience sometimes it turns on me for the worse with people, give them a step they take you one foot beyond (sound familiar?) I've noticed that a lot of people get the impression i am an asshole or I'm very quiet/shy...that's not true at all, but if the situation makes it awkward...it's going to BE awkward. This leads me to first impressions, which up until about a year ago I wasn’t able to grasp how significant they could be, especially as time goes by and your still around them…After that it’s just maintenance, but attempting to change the way people perceive your actions after that first impression is still a feat I’m yet to achieve…